Tuesday

Having spent my (long) weekend working in a coffee shop, I get to wait until today before my lectures and seminars begin.  What better way to begin the week than looking at maps of 16th century London?  Reading early, and often conflicting, histories of the city and its development, and juxtaposing these with the views of cartographers and artists alike, has allowed me to gain an insight into both the potential seen in the city, as well as the sense of nostalgia for the older city, rather than the newly developing one, that's prominent John Stow's work.  Seeing (in the maps) the city spill outside of its walls, and grow into the hub that we have today is actually pretty astounding.  To be honest, looking at it clinically, it's pretty obvious to say that the capitol's expanse was anything but slow.  

However, the point I'm making here has little to do with London.  I myself have little to do with the city, other than an undying love for Chelsea football club and the Underground.  What it got me thinking about was change.  Despite revolutions, great fires, and world wars, the core of the city is still there, with many a landmark making it visible, but so much has changed around it, grown around it, that the centre itself must have changed too?  My initial question is whether or not London has maintained its identity despite everything it must have endured.  I suppose to say it's 'endured', is giving the answer, but I can hardly speak from experience; I would say there aren't too many who can.

The real point here though, is how do we change, adapt, or hold fast against that which changes around us?  Now speaking from experience, I would say I'm not the same person I was a few years ago when finishing school, or even a year later when starting university; and for this I am thankful.  But with images of England's capitol in mind, am I still at heart the same person I was, perhaps with just the outer layers changing?  Or even, is the real me lost beneath a skin of ever changing layers?

To me it's obvious that these thoughts are not coincidental.  I have, for years now, been lost as to who I am, and more confusingly, who I want to be.  Hitting the grand old age of 22 in a couple of weeks, I wonder (constantly) what I should be doing and where I should be going.  What's more, I wonder whether or not I should be thinking about 'should' or 'want' or 'could'.  

At the moment I'm still very much living within my own present time, and using these words in a passive sense or past tense is something that's still in my future, or with a little luck, isn't.  What I'd like to know is how other people define themselves, whether or not they use their choices as a means of finding meaning, or if their choices reflect who they really are.  I'm starting to ramble now, and my own frustration is shining through.  Maybe I should stick to making coffee.